Bittersweet

There is no gentle way to say this... my grandfather is dying.

He has Alzheimer's Disease and prostate and rectal cancer. He is presently on hospice (a decision that was made between my mom and her 2 sisters after his colostomy and radiation treatment for the rectal cancer). He is not doing well.
Last night was a very emotional night for me. Daddy, B and I went over to my aunt's to be with our family in these last hours. This has proven itself to be a difficult line to walk. The selfish side of me wants him to live because I want him to meet my second child and see my baby sister walk down the aisle in December. And then there is the rational side of me that knows he doesn't deserve to suffer in pain and more than anything, he deserves to be in heaven with his loving wife, my grammie.

You have to understand something about my grandfather. He fulfilled the word gentleman in ways most men could never dream of. He is the kindest, most loving person who lived and breathed for his family. He is the type of man that children wish was their father, women wish for as a husband and grandchildren could only hope to be blessed with.

Last night, as I stood by his bed, I was overcome by a very bittersweet moment. I was holding my grandfather's hand while he was having some difficulty breathing. During that moment, I placed my hand on my belly because P was kicking up a storm. One hand was holding a life that is slowly slipping away, while the other hand was feeling a life that is being created. It was very bittersweet for me. P’s middle name is my grandfather's middle name So that moment was even more bittersweet because of that. And on a side note, B's middle name, is after Daddy, his father and grandfather (who is deceased as well). I feel privileged to have honored such great men with the naming of our children.

I feel very frustrated because I hate so much that he is having to suffer. I keep praying over and over for God to do His will but I'm so confused as to why he has to suffer so much. I am, of course, sad, too. It hurts to see that look in the eyes of my loved ones. It hurts to see my mom fighting back tears and it hurts even more to see her cry. This process is draining.
I know and truly believe that in time peace will pass all understanding.

I ask that you pray for my family during this difficult journey and these very dark hours. Thank you.