disappointed

"Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hour."

{I've gone back and forth on posting this but I feel like a) it may make me feel better and b) it's my blog.}

My eyes have been opened, in regards to certain relationships I have with some friends and some family members. I mean really how much time does it take today to make a phone call... or at the very least, send out a quick text message... or heck, even post on Facebook?!

I have undoubtedly had some big things go on with my children lately. The people I expected to reach out to us didn't. And this isn't the first time. I am hurt... very hurt. And I am quite truthfully ready to wash my hands of them. I know that isn't the right thing to do. I have friends that I have met through social networking sites that have done more for me than some of my supposedly close IRL friends and family members. Those same friends texted, tweeted, Fb'ed to check on my children during recent and past surgeries and after we've received not-so-great news.

I wish I could ask them "why" --- why can't you make an effort?You clearly had time to wish "Happy Birthday" to your baby's daddy's brother's girlfriend but no time to check on my baby - my baby that I would give my life for... My baby that, if I could, I would take his pain and it could be multiplied by ten if it meant he would no longer feel it... My baby that I have to hand off to strangers to go into a sterile, strange room and fight being put to sleep under a mask... all the while he has no idea why I have handed him off and why he is being forced to sleep... My baby that has a lifelong, 'incurable' illness that could potentially cause him to regress at any point in time... My baby that is up at night crying out in pain... My baby that has been radiated more times than I care to really even think about... My baby that has had more procedures, tests, pokes, pricks, blood-draws, x-rays, hospital time, etc than most adults have experienced... My baby that has been suffering from such severe reflux that it caused a hiatal hernia... no, you clearly don't have time. Moving on from the fact that you don't have time for my babies, you also don't have time for me. You don't call to see how I am doing... how I am doing on the days where I feel like if one more thing happens, medically, with my children, that may be the day where I just completely break down... how I am doing on the days where I receive life-altering news (like the kind that yes, your child has a chronic illness)... how I am doing on the days where I've spent the entire day at the hospital running between doctor appointments and having tests sprung on us... how I am doing on the days I've sat alone at a hospital because my husband just couldn't take any more time off of work and my baby was under general anesthesia... how I am doing when I have to administer 2 medications twice daily to one child and 5 medications twice daily to the other child and one of my kids just flat refuses medication and I have to pin him down while I am getting kicked in the chest and my heart is breaking while watching my baby fight the way he does... how am I doing when I can't seem to focus because all of everything I am dealing with seems extremely overwhelming to you, but how do you think it feels for me, the one actually living it or worse... how am I doing when you don't even acknowledge that what I am going through seems like a lot to deal with...

Here's the thing... my children are my life. I breathe each breath for them. I would give my last breath for them. I want nothing more in my life to see them happy & healthy. I love them with every fiber of my being. It's a love I cannot adequately put into words. Every time I see them, it's like watching a true piece of my heart walking outside of my body. I want to protect them. I want to honor them. I want to do all that I can do for them. I want to save them.

All I want is for you to act like you care... just make an effort. It's not too much to ask... or is it?

I don't want anyone's sympathy. I don't want any pity. I just needed to voice how I felt. I needed to get it off my chest. It's a hot rock I've been carrying that's burned the heck out of me. And to those who care and have called, texted, FB'ed, tweeted,etc.... thank you. Thank you for showing us that you care. Thank you for everything.